Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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