I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize