dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
