totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
