Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
