I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
