I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
