if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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