I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
