I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
