Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
