If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I supernannyed him into submission
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
