I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
