The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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