Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
