He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I did not marry a roomba.
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