I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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