I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
