Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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