i think i have two assholes
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
