its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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