so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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