We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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