i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
