my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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