the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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