don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
