So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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