Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
