just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
