Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
