i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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