Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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