Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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