you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Help. Why am I so naked?
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