if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
