Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize