I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
