My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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