Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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