By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
