I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize