And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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