i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
