Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
