You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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