Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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