I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
