Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
