we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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