My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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