I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
