I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
as a side note pls kill me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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