Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just pee around me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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