Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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