2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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