the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
