When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Randomize
