It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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